Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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