She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
