I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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