Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
