I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Who died my cat blue again?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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