Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
