Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
