I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize