Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
