1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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