all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
