Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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