go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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