i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
We left the knife in your bed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm getting married
To pizza
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
