now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
