I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
