I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize