I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
