i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
