Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
