you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
