i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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