why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
