I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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