You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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