I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
