my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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