??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
