I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
