Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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