upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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