After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i've created a new STD.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
