sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
