1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
