i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
