I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
