I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
