i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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