if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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