dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
