I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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