i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
