He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found puke in my bra..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
