organizing the empties. That sober.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
