I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
