Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
