she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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