This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
