I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
