if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
