Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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