I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
