Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
