Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
