So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
