The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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