All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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