and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And then he peed in my hair
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