My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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