Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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