why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
