I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
